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Shit Dog

We have a little, brown dog.  He’s mostly white now, but originally he was brown.

He came into our lives in 1998. Our little black dog picked him out as a companion.

He was still a puppy and had been hit by a car, crushing the top part of his right femur and squishing his back paw.  The former owners dumped him at the vet’s office.

He has no ball in that hip joint and his foot looks like Wile E. Coyote’s after a run in with a steam roller.

He was still recovering when we took him home.  We lied to the vet’s office stating that we had fixed up a fenced in area behind our town home.  They weren’t going to let us take him without a fenced area. Ha.

We used to cart him around in a baby stroller because he couldn’t keep up on long walks.  We made the news a couple of times because of it.

His proper name is Dubone.  The family calls him Doobie.  It means teddy bear in Hebrew – honestly, look it up.  Once at a blessing of the animals ceremony, the priest (I know we’re Jewish) got confused and he was consecrated as Debbie.

I refer to him mainly as, Shit Dog.

Shit Dog was a perfect sidekick for our neurotic and reticent Elisheva.  We would walk them on a double leash and he would force her to go meet new people.  She, too had spent a great deal of her early life in a vet’s office.

He was cute as a button, with his forehead wrinkles and playful nature.  He was incredibly smart, but he also had a dark side.

This dark side made him do things that weren’t so nice.

He would leave ‘gifts’ in our bedroom draped with articles of my clothing.  He chewed out all the little buttons on top of my collection of baseball caps.  He chewed holes in my bras and ate a British published, but out-of-print, book that I had borrowed.  (That was fun to try and replace.) He ate my shoes.

One would think I did something to deserve this treatment, but no.  I was simply the chosen one.

We tried crating him, but he ate the crate – literally.  Chewed a hole straight through the side, leaving behind in strips the shirt we had put in there for cushioning.

He revealed a predilection for chocolate.  Yes, we were well aware that chocolate and dogs do not go together, however no one told the Shit Dog.

He has consumed in one sitting enough chocolate to kill a golden retriever. He had his stomach worked on for that one.  The vet’s personnel couldn’t get over the fact that he would eat the charcoal right out of their hands.  He’s done the same thing again and again.  We gave up taking him to the vet for it, he just burps, passes gas and goes on his merry way – sheepish, but happy.

Shit Dog also showed a love for garbage, the riper the better.  To this day we have to keep the garbage bag up on the counter so that he cannot get into it, however putting it up there does not guarantee that it will not be got.

We have seen the kitchen stool pushed up to the counter and the evidence strewn all about the house.  I told you he was intelligent.

He ate four muscle relaxers that had been packed in my luggage.  We called poison control on that one.  He just had a very good night’s sleep.

Shit Dog was introduced to a new nasty habit of consuming other animals defecation, in particular Elisheva’s.  This was a trait taught to him by another dog who briefly resided in our home before letting her depression get the better of her and committing suicide.

I haven’t let him lick me in years.

We found out this year after Elisheva passed away from Alzheimer’s that Shit Dog had become partially deaf from age.  She had been signaling and leading him around.

He has always been a bit high strung, the chihuahua part of him, I suppose.  After a brief period of mourning for Elisheva, Shit Dog’s anxiety issues came on full tilt. We always said he needed to be the first to go.

Our neighbor, a lovely woman from Belgium, who survived the London Blitz called to let us know (how kind), that Shit Dog was barking and howling through the day when we weren’t home.  Since we have been through animal control issues with said neighbor before, we weren’t too concerned at first.  But I happen to witness the behavior first hand one day.

He did indeed howl, incessantly. He’s now on a mother’s little helper aptly named Reconcile®.

He’s also on oral chemotherapy. Shit Dog was diagnosed with bladder cancer this year.

There’s been some changes.  He thinks he has to urinate a good bit – more so than standard for a puffed up, little, male dog, but he really doesn’t.  He tires more easily and he does’t wrap up in his blankets like he used to do, but other things remain the same.

He will still gulp down any unguarded chocolate milk.  And out of the past, oh six weeks, he’s probably eaten the garbage about four times. The defecation eating ended with Elisheva.

We don’t worry about it anymore.  We figure at this point, he’ll go satisfied. Damn Shit Dog.

Don’t drop your cone

I confess.  I’m selfish.

Sometimes I like a treat all to myself.

I blame my mother.

My mother is a champion speed ice cream eater.  She can consume an ice cream cone in under a minute.  You could get brain freeze just watching her.

One may ask why she would develop this particular talent.  Easy.

My mother had four children in a nine year span and she likes ice cream.

And as we all know, mom’s are somehow contractually obligated to release their cones to the child who drops their ice cream cone.

She blames her mother.

Seems that when my mom was in grade school, her mother would wait for the Krispy Kreme man to deliver to the store across the street from their house.  When the fresh doughnuts were delivered, Mama would run across and buy three for a dime.

And eat them all.

I guess there are some genetics that can’t be denied.

Drowning in the Desert

We were living in Phoenix, Arizona at the time.  My grandmother and aunt were out visiting from Savannah.

Mama and Tricia’s visits were always an excuse to go someplace interesting.  We’d covered the Grand Canyon, Montezuma’s Castle, Old Tucson and various other sites during their previous cross country vacations.

Now, let me state here that our family is prone to adventures.  Adventures being a relative term for getting caught in unusual predicaments. So when we had a trip planned to go tubing down the Salt River in the month of May, it was pretty much a done deal that something was going to happen.

In May, the mountain snow is still melting and pouring into the river, raising the water levels and increasing the current strength.  But what’s a little extra water, eh?

We were my grandmother, aunt, mom, older brother & his then wife, older sister, younger brother and me.  A stalwart band of eight ranging in age from 61 to 9 and ready to conquer the river.

We tied a series of inner tubes together in a circle with a free floating one in the middle, holding our cooler.  The cooler was of the type that are hard to find now a days.  It had a removable top and a dimpled aluminum handle.  It was the perfect size to shove in the inner tube.  It held our drinks, the camera and my grandmother’s asthma medication.

It really was a beautiful day.  The sky was brilliant blue, the air was clear, the scenery was breathtaking even for an exited eleven year old.  We saw wild horses grazing on the banks between old, gnarled mesquite trees.  Kodak moments abounded.

I remember the water being slightly chilly in the beginning, snow run-off remember?  There were spots where we had to get out and push ourselves off the shoals because the water was too shallow to float us down river.

We hit a few, very small rapids, just enough to invigorate us and give us something to brag about later. But nothing to really build any anxiety.

On a couple of occasions the current would direct us toward the face of the mountains.  Those who were on the rock side would simply turn around, stick out their feet and push off sending us back out to the center of the river and happily on our way.  So much for the powerful currents.

We heard the roar before we ever came around the bend.

We expected to see another set of the rapids we had laughingly tripped across earlier, but instead we were confronted with a swirling, churning eddy drawing us to the mountain face.  The roar of the water filled our ears.

The whirlpool had been formed by the incredible undercurrent meeting the mountain face and a huge outcropping of the old mesquite trees.  As before those facing the rocks steadied themselves to push off.

Each of us has their own story as to what happened after we hit the mountain.

My sister and sister-in-law were hurled standing into the trees.  They said they never touched the water except for where it lapped up between the low growing branches that brushed the river.

My mother, younger brother, aunt and grandmother, who by the way couldn’t swim, were knocked out of their inner tubes and around the mass of main tree roots and branches and were able to guide themselves into the shore line or grab another to help pull them in.

My older brother and I were flipped into the roots of the mesquite trees. He was caught by the ankle in the tangled mess.  I was caught in the undercurrent desperately trying to hold on to the roots, but was torn away by the force of the water.

I was shot out into the middle of the river, alone.

My glasses were gone. I had slices across my fingers and palms where I had tried to grab the roots and my throat was already getting raw. Apparently when I’m in a panic, I scream, “Mommy!”  Nice to know.

Incredibly, there were patches in the river where I could touch the rocky bottom.  My family on the shore line having heard my frantic cries directed me to drag my feet.  I slowed some, but lost my shoes.  I was a strong swimmer but not strong enough to counteract the current.

The original flotilla of inner tubes was still hanging in the eddy, caught right where we hit, however the free floating one containing the cooler was thrown clear at some point.  This is why I remember the cooler in such detail, it became my life saver.  I grabbed it as it floated by minus the top and contents.

Meanwhile, my older brother was disentangling himself from the underwater roots.  He had to remove his shoes in order to loosen his ankles and reach the top of the water.

When he came up, my mother began shouting, “Get Carol! Get Carol!” and pointing to me in the river.  No one had any idea of what he had just been through.

My brother was my hero once again that day.  He swam out to me and was able to bully through the current to get us to shore.  Some strangers who were on the banks of the river helped haul us in.

Everyone was safe.

After it was all said and done, each story came out.

There was the horse head that my sister-in-law pulled up thinking it was one of us stuck in the trees.

There was my grandmother determined to get to the surface and as she said “float all the way down the river if she had to.”  She was a champion floater.

There was my younger brother who said that when he opened his eyes it looked like a toilet flushing all around him – guess who was the nine year old.

There was my older brother, who said that he was not going to let that tree hold him down to drown, especially since he had the car keys in his pocket! We appreciated that.

Then there was that moment standing on the embankment when we all gathered together to physically reassure ourselves that we were okay. As we looked out on to the river, the lid to the cooler popped up from under the water.  It had been trapped for the entire time.

I don’t think most of us really appreciated how frightening the whole thing was until years went by and the stories were told and retold. One of those laugh until you cry then take a breath and say, “wow” in a hushed tone things.

Last year all of us were on a river again.  This time in August and we were in north Georgia. We were minus a couple of our original party, my grandmother who passed away in 1989 and the long ago sister-in-law, but we had gained a wonderful new set of adventurers: both of my brothers’ wives, their daughters, my sister’s husband, my partner and son.

It really was a beautiful day.  The sky was brilliant blue, the air was clear, the scenery was lovely for a slightly more jaded 49 year old. We saw tourists from around the world in brightly coloured inner tubes.  Photograph ops were all around.

The most dramatic thing that happened was getting stuck on a rock outcropping because the water level was so low on the drought beleaguered Chattahoochee.  The only roar heard was that of children’s laughter.

An unusual predicament indeed.

Survivors

Drive In

We went to see Disney’s Cars 2 (overly long) this weekend and that got me thinking about my own early driving history.

I found a letter from my father not too long ago, which I will share in a couple of weeks on his birthday, but one line in it reminded me of how young I was when I started driving.

“In 1981 dollars the 50 ft drive would cost about $225,000 per mile”.

As you can well imagine, my first driving experience wasn’t a great success.

It was in Memphis, Tennessee, 1963 and our family had grown to four kids. My parents were out looking at houses to fit their extended brood. My younger brother and I had been placed in the front seat of the car while my parents finished speaking with the real estate agent.

In those days there were no requisite car seats. An enterprising youngster could stand on the broad bench seat, play with the radio and pretend to drive.

While my parents talked, I tried my hand at driving. So what did I do?  I mimicked what I had seen.  Put the imaginary key in, grab the wheel give it few turns back and forth with some zoom, zoom sound effects and then…shift.

One other note about cars back then, gears didn’t necessarily lock on automatic transmissions when the car was stopped and the key removed.

Now a geography lesson, parts of Memphis are quite hilly.  Many houses are built with good sloping driveways.  We happened to be parked on one.  When I shifted the gear lever, it went from park to neutral quite smoothly and my nine month old brother and I were off on our very first solo drive together.

I cannot imagine our parent’s horror as they watched their car starting down that hill and  carrying their two youngest children across a four lane street with oncoming traffic. I have visions of them doing the slow motion outreach, “Nooooooo….!”.

It was okay though, there was a house across that street to stop us.

The car crashed into the front of the house just under a large picture window.

We were fine. My brother didn’t even roll off the front seat.

Surprisingly, my dad says the car wasn’t damaged.  They sure don’t make ‘em like that anymore.

The our joy ride blockade didn’t fare as well, hence the inflationary comment above.  Would loved to have seen that insurance report write up.

I have three memories from the event.  Seeing Mom & Dad outside of the car, being pulled out of the car and the physical sensation that equates to “Wheeeeee!”.

My driving career was somewhat curtailed until legal driving age after that.  But I’ll be danged I didn’t develop quite a love for roller coasters.   

 

 

 

Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport.

I love knots.  Always have, don’t know why.  I don’t sail, have never done macrame or looming or anything that really calls for a concentrated effort of knot tying.  They just fascinate me.  I mean, have you ever seen a monkey’s fist? The simplicity, yet elegance of a well done Flemish/eight knot? Brilliant.

Where would Celtic love be without that knot? Or the Windsors? How would you tie down that dang kangaroo?

Tying of knots began long ago.  It started when Homo habilis first tied a rock to a stick or made hide clothing.

Archeologist have found artifacts that are up to 10,000 years old, but the only written reference to knots before the 18th century was found in a medical record.  It references a 4th century physician describing the making of slings, with nine different types of knots.

Don’t get me wrong here I love knots, but I’m sure his patients would rather he had spent his time figuring out an anesthetic rather than how to tie up their arms.

Anyway, the art of knot tying is ancient, but like many old things, very handy to know.

If you’ve ever had to help a friend move and tie down a pickup truck load of stuff, a little knowledge of knots can be really handy, as well as, impressive – especially, and I hate to say it –  if you’re of feminine persuasion. Femmes take note.

There is even an International Guild of Knot Tying! I know geeky.

Knots can be generally put into one of three categories separated by use:

Stopper – knots used at the end of a rope

Hitch – knots used to hitch or tow

Loop- knots used to connect

And like all specialized activities knot tying has its own vocabulary, knotology – if you will.  It’s not quite as complicated as legalese or some government agency, but it takes some getting used to and sometimes makes sense.

The end ofthe rope being used for knotting is the working end.

A bight is any slack section in the middle part of the rope.

The standing part is the main part of the rope, or that section of the rope about which the end is turned to form a knot.

A loop is bight that forms at least half a circle.  Bringing the end parts near each other forms a closed loop; leaving them apart makes an open loop.

When the ends of a loop are crossed, the rope is said to have taken a turn.  If the end is passed over the standing part, it is an overhand turn and if it passed under the standing part, it is an underhand turn.

One last term:  when either end of a turn is put back through the loop, in an over-and-under sequence, the turn becomes a so-called overhand knot, a building block in making other knots. It’s basically the one that all stored string gets itself into whenever left alone.

Got all that?  ‘Cause now we are going to tie a very useful hitch knot.  Rescue workers and law enforcement use this one.  How you use it is your very own business.  It’s called the Handcuff.

You will need a good length of rope about 3 feet will do.  I use clothes line to practice with.

If you think you can’t do this, look down at your feet.  Are your shoes tied? Ye Gads, the Velcro generation!  Do you own a pair of shoes that have laces?  Then you can tie a knot.

The Handcuff Knot:

Form two loops in the middle of the rope.  

Place the right loop over the left loop.

                                              

Pull the left sideof the right loop down through the left loop while pulling the right side of the left loop up through the right loop.  This was the hardest part for me to get.  Just keep trying and the lightbulb blinks on.

                                                                                               

Place the two loops you have created around the victim’s, er, assistant’s wrists. Pull slack out of the knot.

Voila’!  That stuffed dog isn’t going anywhere.

I once tried getting a friend who was a security analyst (as in figuring out how people got things out of secured warehouses, security) to be my assistant, but she wouldn’t have it at all.  Guess she’d seen it in use.

Really, once you get past the image of cheap seafood restaurant decorations knots can be very interesting and possibly helpful. One little knot has aided me greatly in my time management efforts when it comes to ending meetings.

Its called a noose.    

Randomness at 50

Simpler times

This is the year I turn 50.  My golden anniversary.

To celebrate, I want to do new things.  Joining the cyber nation of people publishing their unsolicited thoughts & opinions is one thing and here I am for better or worse.

For the most part I want this year to be about having fun. You know that feeling of happiness and fulfillment that lurks somewhere beneath all the stress of family, job & other categories of adulthood?

My partner read recently that the best watermelons get their sweetness from the manure they are fed.  My life is often overcome with the overwhelming stench of manure that piles up around different areas of my life.  This year, I want to find the sweetness underneath the manure, so I want to have fun with this blog and share all the silliness and trivia that can also be life.

Now listen, Pollyanna, I’m not – ask anyone who really knows me, but I do have a good sense of humor and its high time I use it again.

So post one is complete.  Its bare, but complete.  Let the good times roll.